2019 //Back to december//

December has had it's highs and lows.

A quick overview

Finals seemed to really have me tightly wound. Turns out, cram studying 5 hours straight doesn't make up for not really getting the stuff throughout the semester. Just getting it good enough to pass the tests, and maintain a B seemed good enough at the time. Moral of the story, I'm bad at math, always have been. I didn't do so great on my math final. Although my grade was still a B overall, I felt like a failure.

I actually found a video game I like. *gasp* (I have only played video games on and off because I am bad at most games) Playing Horizon Zero Dawn while babysitting my 1 and a half year old cousin, I just about have the best job ever.

Christmas has come and gone, while it felt like I was waiting forever for some things, Christmas didn't seem to be that high on my list.
A few small milestones of my life this month:
I turned 16
And started dating my best friend


Let me just say, I'm gonna just be honest about some things. I'm starting 2019 with some frustrations, some convictions, because you know what... I am a human being.

Since I'm feeling incredibly frustrated right now, I'm just going to write about that. I hit a writing block right now, I just want to go deeper into what I feel. I wanted to write this blog before the end of 2018, and didn't make it. I just want to shut my laptop and give up sometimes. I can't always say what I feel like saying, so I don't always know how to talk about my life, and my life lessons while leaving out big ones.

Even church has been a bit of a struggle for me lately. What am I even supposed to be doing, I have no clue. I play guitar at church, work in the nursery, sometimes that's when it gets rough. I'm at church, but am I with God? I need that time with God to help me throughout the week.

Learning that there is no perfect youth group or church. Maybe there was a youth group that was perfect for me at certain times in my life. But things happen. People leave, and people change. When God doesn't happen, life does. But I've went to lots of different youth groups, and I'm starting to feel like I don't know where I belong. This is an important thing to me because of being homeschooled, it just matters a lot. Some friends come from going to youth group, but I'm at a point that all of them left. I've been in between two youth groups before choosing where I connect with God, or connect with friends. While both are important, of course I chose God. Churches always say, "A part of being in a church is having people to do life with." You know church can be a struggle at times, but trusting seeing past that just gets easier when you are seeing God. I see now how some people can get so frustrated with church that they decide to do Christianity on their own. Church is something that I need, and I feel like everyone needs. You shouldn't be alone in your walk of faith.

Life lessons

  • God is teaching me how to love, and how to lose. How to lose friends or lose in situations. How to love those that deserve your love, and even those that don't. And how to love God.

  • The best friends are your family. My aunt Amber and my cousin Caden have been there for me to some extreme levels this year. My aunt and uncle living with us all summer, and being there for me when I broke my foot, and always making things fun. Along with my boyfriend, of course who is my best friend always, and is getting to put up with my crazy side a bit more lately. Maybe my friends aren't the definition of squad goals but I love them so so much.

  • Keep the people who inspire you to be a better you and love you the way you are.

  • If someone compliments you, don't argue. If someone offers you food, take it.

  • Stop apologizing for being you.

Being 16

I've only been 16 for about 4 days. But I've been anticipating it for a while now. I'll be able to pay for my car soon... which means I have to take the driving test to get my license, which I am not even ready for. I'm ready to move on in life, but scared. Also thinking about applying for a job, and planning for college... Aaaah!

Taking in

Don't you love it when your friend had a similar music taste as you and you just bounce back-and-fourth adding to each others styles and merging them even more?

I absolutely love music. Playing instruments, listening to it, discovering it, worshiping God to it.
Right now I'm listening to only Christian, but here's some really cool chill music by Christian Artists I've been listening to.

  • Fight for me- Gawvi, Lecrae
  • Why oh Why- Danielle Apicella
  • Kersosene- MDSN
  • Start over- Flame, NF
  • Drowning- KB
  • No name- NF
  • Wait- NF
  • Never alone- Tori Kelly
  • Be alright- Evan
  • I'll find you- Lecrae, Tori Kelly
  • Overcome- Elevation Worship
  • Come like the dawn- River Valley Worship
Some recent secular favs:

  • Breathe- Lauv
  • Alone- Bazzi
  • Ocean eyes- Billie Eilish
  • Sunflower- Post Malone, Swae Lee
  • Burn the house down- AJR
  • Beach house- The Chainsmokers
  • Weak- AJR
  • Cancer- Twenty one Pilots


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