Thinking back to anxiety
Dealing with anxiety, is something I feel I'm always going to do. There were times were I was so much worse off, and I'm proud of how far I've come. Part of it was just being sure of myself, and building confidence.
Part of my anxiety was sports. It did do some good and some bad to my confidence. It helped me to be more confident in myself and my body. It got me to be wayyyy less timid. As well as grow socially, when I was just getting into middle school through freshman year I made some great friends. It hurt me when it came to the performance part of sports. I never felt good enough. Constantly being hard on yourself, giving more than you have, at some point you break. Not only that but I had a fracture injury that kind of made me realize how "fragile" I actually am, that I can't just go playing 2 running sports in the same season. Whereas some girls were fine, but it just made me feel weak. That my body couldn't handle it, and other's could. I gave my all, and paid for it. I was pushed beyond my limits, and I finally decided I was just done. I was done hurting myself, and beating myself up mentally, it just wasn't good. Yeah I just hit that breaking point. I just wasn't strong enough to continue, but I know that's okay, because you have to know when to stop sometimes.
I don't regret it though. There are moments that I look back at in pain, or frustration, or even sadness. But it helped me grow, and learn about myself.
Usually writing has been an outlet for me, I don't know what I would do if I couldn't write my thoughts down. My anxiety is much better now, I think it was a part of growing up too. I just decided to get out of my comfort zone slowly instead of all at once. Just being myself, (trying) to speak my mind more and not worry about what people think. Though the problem is getting people to listen. It seems like I've gotten spoken over so much lately. I try to act like I didn't notice or care, but my heart still kind of sinks. I feel small without a voice sometimes. Like people just unknowingly interrupt what I'm trying to say, so sometimes I wonder why I'm ever speaking at all. Why I am blogging even. "The louder I scream, the less they listen."
Another thing I've realized; It's hard to have friends.
Not all of them come naturally. You have to work to stay connected and a lot of times it's hard and discouraging. "Am I trying to hard, or not enough." Yeah it sucks when my brain does that.
Grasping for answers,
Gasping for air,
Breathe in the future
Though it's unclear.
The best writing comes from the harder times sometimes.
God has helped me so much, giving me reminders every time I start to freak out that it's going to be ok. That my grades don't have to be perfect. That I don't have to be scared of failure. That I am not a burden to my friends and that they do love me.
God has all the answers:
-For God is working in you giving you the desire and power to do what pleases him.
-God arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
-Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.